There were four Asian girls in my class at secondary school, but I was far and away the loudest and most exhibitionist. So when our class put on a play about the Mughal Empire (an ancient empire in South Asia), I was chosen to play the Emperor Akbar.
I remember sitting on a throne (aka a chair), and six other girls sitting cross-legged at my feet, pretending to be my wives. Our adviser on all things Mughal was a teacher called Mrs Chopra, who studied the scene and announced, ‘Akbar needs a hookah!’
[A hookah pipe, used for smoking shisha.]
Never one to miss an opportunity for a joke, I quipped ‘But Mrs Chopra, I already have six wives!’
Our stern teacher Miss Buckley rounded upon me with a fearsome glare, and replied ‘Ariane, I thought you were a nice girl. You are not a nice girl!’
If I ever write a memoir, Not a Nice Girl will be the title.
[Me, aged 11. Not so nice, apparently.]
THE GREAT WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE!
Day 9
I have a confession to make: I’m on tour and was offered a meal at the pub I was gigging at. I had scampi, chips and peas. It was so nice!
But I have procured a pair of analogue weighing scales from the very nice elderly man I am staying with, and they claim I am now 12st 7lbs. I am VERY dubious about this, especially as they’re on carpet (I couldn’t find a hard surface). Nonetheless, let’s go with it until I get back to my usual scales tomorrow.
Me: 12st 7lbs (total loss in nine days: 7.2lbs)
John: 14st 8.75lbs (total gain in nine days: 1.25lbs)
I’m not sure John is even trying any more…
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It woz the Grouchy Club wot dun for me last nite…
And *that* is why I can’t go to the Grouchy Club.
All I can think of now is Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars. You don’t look like him though, thankfully.
I just Googled him! And yes, small mercies…
You are not nice…you are awesome!
Aww, thank you so much! You are awesome too.
Well, even four wives cannot provide everything. Sometimes you need a professional.
By the way, I love scampi and chips. With beer. So you are no longer vegetarian?
Me too! No, I’m pescatarian now. I won’t eat meat but have reincorporated fish into my diet.
I’m pretty much a pescetarian myself. Not the most ethical diet, but from what I understand maybe the healthiest.
Yes, definitely!
As a timid child in Junior School required to play an imperious King commanding a jailor to free someone from imprisonment I quietly mumbled something like “Hello, erm… er.. do you think it would be alright if you could let him out, please?” and the ‘jailor’ replied “Yeah, alright”.
Ha ha, brilliant! (I’m not sure I was that talented an actress either.)