What the hell I do all day

Right now I don’t have a job. I haven’t had a job since our whole digital department was made redundant in February, and I miss the sense of purpose it gave me. If you have a job, hold onto it with your mucky paws and dig your grubby fingernails in and don’t let it go, because being unemployed is shit.

I had a job interview two weeks ago about a permanent writing job in Switzerland. I had my hair and nails done, wore my smartest clothes and managed not to joke that it was the ‘Swiss role’. I thought the interview went well, but the agency never contacted me again. I only found out I hadn’t got the position through receiving an alert for the relisted job. Bang goes my plan for escaping Brexit!

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Being ‘freelance’ sucks, but I don’t just sit on my arse all day. No: I fill my time with a delightful cornucopia of activities. These generally include:

1. Calling my eight-year-old daughter. She’s currently on holiday with her dad. It is manifestly unjust that she gets a summer holiday and I don’t, but I love her to infinity, so it’s fine. Her telephone manner is a mixture of bored, disdainful and dutiful, and when she says ‘Love you!’ it actually means ‘I want to get off the phone now!’. I miss her so desperately my heart is aching from nine days without her. Roll on Monday.

Lily teeth gap

2. Going to the gym. It’s literally around the corner, but it takes me hours to motivate myself into going, because exercise is painful and wrong. The gym is great for people-watching though, and inspired me to write this, so it’s not all bad.

3. Writing blogs. These are getting trickier as I run out of anecdotes! This is day 37 of this blog, and unless I fill it with traumatic stuff, it’s going to be difficult to continue in this vein for much longer. I have loads of juicy celebrity stories but (a) I’d probably get sued, and (b) I’d never work in this town again (not that I’m really working now, but you get me). This is why you’re reading about what I do all day, not the time I had hot sex with Alan Titchmarsh and his selection of reappropriated gardening equipment. (This is a joke!)

4. Emailing my friends and patrons (same thing really). Rik is my top-tier patron so that’s why I started sending him lots of emails, but I reckon I would now anyway as he’s great. He’s incredibly funny and produced this selection of inappropriate children’s book ideas (below), plus he very kindly sent me a Paperchase gift card when I was feeling down about the Swiss role. I’m lucky to have him.

Rik's sketches.JPG
5. Writing HOW TO LIVE TO 100, my next book. I’m co-writing it with David Conrad, a consultant in public health, so he sends me big chunks of scientific research and I add jokes and format them into entertaining and funny chapters. We’re just over halfway through, and it’s exciting seeing the book take shape.

6. Re-labelling my Demerara sugar jars, because I kept opening them and snacking.

sugar

THE GREAT WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE!

Day 32

Me: 12st 5.4lbs (total loss in 32 days: 8.8lbs)

I think my scales are stuck.

John: 14st 4.75lbs (total loss in 32 days: 2.75lbs)

John is promoting his comedy industry night The Grouchy Club.

This post has been made possible by my awesome Patreon supporters Ricky Steer, Marc Alexander, Chris Birkett, John Fleming, Mary Clarke, Matthew Sylvester, Brian Engler, Jack Scanlan, Dave Nattriss, Musical Comedy Guide, Mark White, Lucy Spencer, Shane Jarvis, Graham Nunn, Emily Hill and Marcus P Knight.

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9 thoughts on “What the hell I do all day”

  1. What do I do all day? Um, well… I’ve invented lots of new words. I don’t know what any of them mean yet, but it’s a start.

    I’ve decided to measure the gaps between spaces. (I won’t measure the spaces between gaps too – I don’t want to be too ambitious). I haven’t figured out how to distinguish gaps from spaces or define their edges or how to recognise nothings that are neither gaps nor spaces, if such things exist, or vice versa, but it’s a start.

    I’ve decided to reorganise my time to try living all the first seconds in minutes, then all the second thirds, then all the third fourths and so on. After working on that for quite a while I realised that I must have made a fundamental mistake somewhere.  I couldn’t figure out where I made the mistake, and eventually I gave up, but I was pleased with myself that I’d realised that I couldn’t figure out where I’d made the mistake. Instead I decided to reorganise my time to try living all the first seconds in minutes, then all the second seconds, then all the third seconds and so on. I haven’t figured out how to do that yet, but it’s a start.

    I’ve been thinking about whether to consider assessing the possibility of evaluating if it might be a good idea to deliberate on the potential for cogitation visa vis reviewing the feasibility of deliberation over contemplating rumination in respect of the aforementioned in this sentence. I haven’t made my mind up yet, or made my mind up about making my mind up yet, or made my mind up about whether to make my mind up about making my mind up yet, etc., but it’s a start, or not, either of which may be a good thing, though I haven’t made my mind up about that yet. But making my mind up that I haven’t made my mind up about whether I’ve made my mind up yet is a start.

      1. Just in case I’ve worried anyone – that was surreal self-mockery. I’m not that productive. I virtually hoard unfinished tasks for mythical better days and forget them like a senescent squirrel!

  2. I’ll keep your advice in mind every time I think my job sucks. I also constantly keep a plan B in case something goes wrong. Something I do since last time I was made redundant a bit more than two years ago. At least with freelancing you have some income and you patch a hole in your CV neatly.

      1. I would thought that they’d be happy to hire someone who takes initiative and does not let the hole in his/her CV to turn into an abyss.

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