Lockdown Diary: Confessions

Dear Reader,

Like many people at this scary time, I have been feeling a little low. Not actually clinically depressed, I don’t think; just a little hopeless, not wanting to get out of bed and feeling as though my existence is a bit pointless. I have been lying on dirty bedsheets, eating crisps and not being arsed to throw the packet in the bin: that level of squalor and futility.

Yesterday I decided to play my favourite solo word game, Wordscapes, to take my mind off the coronavirus. It went badly when the game threw up this combination of letters:

wordscapes

I don’t believe in signs from the universe, of course, but if I did, this would be the universe bellowing ‘Get the fuck off Wordscapes, Sherine, and do something with your life!’

As well as wasting time on apps, I have been feeling guilty about my diet. On Sunday I took a very stressful trip to the supermarket in my gas mask and spent £37 on absolute unmitigated shit. I think there was one virtuous bag of carrots in there throwing shade at the rest of the groceries, which were all from the dessert aisle. I came home and wolfed down gallons of millionaire’s shortbread, vanilla cheesecake, tiramisu, brownie bites, flapjacks… let’s just say that gluttony, boredom and anxiety are a very bad combination when it comes to binge-eating.

And the carrots lie untouched in the fridge, glaring at me.

What else have I been doing? Sleeping during the day. Sleeping, and dreaming of my wonderful daughter, who I won’t see until Sunday and whom I miss very much. And calling my mother, whose productivity puts me to shame. I asked her what she’d been up to:

mum

The thing is, I do not feel good when I eat cheesecake and pie. It makes me feel utterly shit afterwards. But I’m a good mum, which is all I really care about, and I think the world of my daughter, and she thinks the world of me. I’ve never felt anything purer or sweeter than our love for each other.

This is the card she made me on Mother’s Day:

Mother's Day 1Mother's Day 2

However, I want Lily to be proud of me and I want to be a positive role model for her. And lying in bed all day eating crap does not fulfil that remit, international pandemic or no international pandemic.

Added to which: it makes me unhappy to think that I’m so lazy and miserable that I’m being so unproductive.

I joked on social media last week that we’d all spend lockdown ‘lying to ourselves that we’re going to use this time to sculpt a banging body’.

But hell, why don’t I just try? At the very least, it’ll give me something to do and I’ll become healthier. Then I may live longer and have more time to spend with my incredible, hilarious daughter.

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14 thoughts on “Lockdown Diary: Confessions”

  1. If you have some time, look into Weston A Price, who wrote a book “Nutrition and Physical Degeneration” , the whole book can be read online if you look for it. I found it very interesting. I don’t think your diet choices of fruit and veg, bread and beans is going to be very helpful. A new approach could be the key to success. Good luck.

      1. I’m sure you are well aware that any diet that is calorie restricted will make you lose weight. These guys did it eating only McDonalds:
        https://www.today.com/health/man-loses-56-pounds-after-eating-only-mcdonalds-six-months-2D79329158
        https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/fitness/weight-loss/29yearold-lost-weight-and-body-fat-by-only-eating-mcdonalds/news-story/70a1d95fe6c122d0da467ae2b3e04ef5
        Not that I would recommend it.
        Protein and fat will satiate, fruit and veg will allow you eat more volume to feel full for a short amount of time. N
        At least try to aim for a nutritionally balanced diet with protein and fat in the right ratios. Eating some fish like you were doing before would help. You know what they say – if you want different results, you have to try different approaches.
        No civilisation has ever eaten a vegan diet – vegetarian yes, vegan, no.

      2. I really want to you to succeed, it is not nice seeing you reach a certain point each time and then it not working, so please take this in the way it is intended. I’m still working as I’m a key worker so life has not been that different for me, keep well x

      3. Thanks hon, I appreciate that. How about I try it your way if my diet fails this time? Open to ideas and will pick up some fish next time I go to the supermarket. What are you doing as a key worker? x

  2. Thanks for this – very reassuring as I have gone totally unproductive given all the extra free time. You look great! I read something by an Italian yesterday (they’re two weeks ahead of us) who said that over-eating is basically what everyone now does… that and arranging to meet friends in supermarket queues (there was brief period of getting in touch online with people you haven’t spoken to for ages).

    1. Aww, I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Yes I’m definitely not alone with the over-eating. That’s funny and sad re the supermarket queues. I’ve arranged a FaceTime chat each Wednesday with my beautiful Bangladeshi friend Kia – I used to do ‘Orange Wednesdays’ at the cinema with my dad, now I do ‘Brown Wednesdays’ on FaceTime with Kia! xx

  3. I think you’re not the only one struggling with eating healthy. If I listened to myself I’d have a diet of crisps, dill pickles, olives, beer, more crisps, more beer, and some pickled onions for variety. I suspect it has something to do with our innate fear of famine: we think resources will be scarce so we eat more of whatever we can find. Since there’s still plenty of food available, we eat more than usual. It’s my theory anyway.

    I try to exercise in the garden and keep our home tidy, or no messier than it is with a three year old boy. Of course now Hurricane Wolfie is in full force, so it makes things a bit challenging. I also need to find time and energy to write. I came up with a couple of story ideas, I just need the discipline to put them on paper.

    1. I think you’re absolutely right with your famine theory. Plus food is comforting so it makes sense to stuff your face when you’re anxious. Well done on the story ideas! Looking forward to seeing what you come up with. And yeah, keeping your home tidy with a toddler is virtually impossible. There was a time when Lily was two when I just realised my flat was going to be messy for a couple of years, and that was okay.

  4. I understand your pain, I’ve been struggling through a covid-inspired weight loss journey. feels like I’ve been doing this for years, but it’s only been a few months. looking forward to the rest of your covid entries!

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