Beauty salons across the nation have closed their doors, but who needs a pricey spa day when you can enjoy one in the comfort of your own home? Held yesterday, ours admittedly did require some child labour, but I’m sure you’ll agree the benefits were worth it.
Behold the eight-year-old in her silk kimono! She managed not to kill any foxes while wearing it too, which was an achievement, though she is strongly pro-Remain.
Our friend John always sings ‘Lily the Pink’ to her, and later on in the spa day, we realised that her kimono was covered in pink lilies!
To start with, I applied a clay mask to her face. Her skin is perfect so it was completely unnecessary, but it made her happy.
Then she relaxed with slices of cucumber over her eyes.
It reminded me that when she was little (well, younger – she still is little!) she couldn’t pronounce ‘cucumber’ and used to call it a ‘coombaba’. I thought this was delightful and encouraged her to say it. My mother, on the other hand, told her firmly that it was called a cucumber and made her say ‘cucumber’ until ‘coombaba’ was a thing of the past.
I was very upset, but conceded that it couldn’t last. After all, if at the age of 33 she went to the Ritz, then wailed down the phone at me, ‘I asked for coombaba sandwiches and they laughed at me!’ then I would probably have failed as a mother.
Next, she asked me to paint her toenails ‘red and pink and red and pink and red!’ So I obliged, using polishes from a non-toxic set of nail varnishes I got her ages ago.
She was so pleased with the effect, she asked me to repeat the process on her fingernails.
Next, it was my turn. I really tried to get out of it, but the eight-year-old wanted to pretend to be a beauty therapist! So she daubed clay all over my face. Please excuse my Denis Healey-esque eyebrows, but these are extenuating circumstances.
I have to say, cucumber slices do absolutely nothing for one’s appearance! Though it probably didn’t help that I cut them super-thickly.
Then Lily insisted on painting my toenails. Again, please excuse the absolute state of my feet! The look of glee on Lily’s face makes up for the indignity though.
All in all, I think the spa day was a success. Foxes alive, no embarrassing pronunciations, and no one accidentally ate the cucumber. Result!
This post has been made possible by my awesome Patreon supporters Peter Weilgony, Ricky Steer, Charlie Brooker, Mary and Tim Fowler, Steve Richards, Alan Brookland, Mark Ormandy, Oliver Vass, Keith Bell, John Fleming, Mark Bailey, Rebekah Bennetch, Matthew Sylvester, Brian Engler, Jack Scanlan, Dave Nattriss, MusicalComedyGuide.com, Aragorn Strider, Mark White, Lucy Spencer, Shane Jarvis, Emily Hill and Marcus P Knight.
If you enjoyed this blog, please support me on Patreon from just £1 a month and you’ll get to read a lot more of my writing.