Why I am not a nice girl

There were four Asian girls in my class at secondary school, but I was far and away the loudest and most exhibitionist. So when our class put on a play about the Mughal Empire (an ancient empire in South Asia), I was chosen to play the Emperor Akbar.

I remember sitting on a throne (aka a chair), and six other girls sitting cross-legged at my feet, pretending to be my wives. Our adviser on all things Mughal was a teacher called Mrs Chopra, who studied the scene and announced, ‘Akbar needs a hookah!’


[A hookah pipe, used for smoking shisha.]

Never one to miss an opportunity for a joke, I quipped ‘But Mrs Chopra, I already have six wives!’

Our stern teacher Miss Buckley rounded upon me with a fearsome glare, and replied ‘Ariane, I thought you were a nice girl. You are not a nice girl!’

If I ever write a memoir, Not a Nice Girl will be the title.

Ariane1991[Me, aged 11. Not so nice, apparently.]


Day 9

I have a confession to make: I’m on tour and was offered a meal at the pub I was gigging at. I had scampi, chips and peas. It was so nice!

But I have procured a pair of analogue weighing scales from the very nice elderly man I am staying with, and they claim I am now 12st 7lbs. I am VERY dubious about this, especially as they’re on carpet (I couldn’t find a hard surface). Nonetheless, let’s go with it until I get back to my usual scales tomorrow.

Me: 12st 7lbs (total loss in nine days: 7.2lbs)

John: 14st 8.75lbs (total gain in nine days: 1.25lbs)

I’m not sure John is even trying any more…

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